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Leaving.
2 min read
"Someone" has taken it upon themselves to hack into my DA account, and my email account, more than twice, in two days. Also, upon having to reset my DA passwords and email passwords, I've also just noticed that they have apparently hacked into my Twitter account, which I haven't even checked in like over a week.
To sum it up, I'm done. I'm getting a new email account and I won't be using it for this DA account, either. So, I won't be using this DA account at all anymore actually, except to just look in on other peoples work, if that. I'm not submitting anymore of my work, and I'm pretty sure I'll be taking all the previous work I've submitted on here, off. I probably won't log in anymore at all because if it means that I have to get back into an old email account that I won't be using, just to change this password so I can look at things, gah. It's totally not worth it. I'll just make a phoney account on here so at least I'll be able to watch everyone I used to and still be inspired. It matters not to me that I won't be able to share my artwork with the DA community anymore. It's a small price to pay for my personal privacy/freedom. Plus, in the future, if/when I become successful at anything, hopefully I won't be having to promote myself anyway.
So. Goodbye to all the amazing people I've met here on DA, I'm sorry to have to leave you. Keep making beautiful art that inspires the world, because I know I will.
PS- I just took a huge chunk of this journal out. So, if anyone is a little more than lost about whats going on and why, I'm really sorry. I feel like I need to bite my tongue a little more than I have been about this whole situation, so that it doesn't get too out of hand for me on a personal level. Just know that I don't want to leave, and if I didn't feel like I had to, I most definitely would not.
To sum it up, I'm done. I'm getting a new email account and I won't be using it for this DA account, either. So, I won't be using this DA account at all anymore actually, except to just look in on other peoples work, if that. I'm not submitting anymore of my work, and I'm pretty sure I'll be taking all the previous work I've submitted on here, off. I probably won't log in anymore at all because if it means that I have to get back into an old email account that I won't be using, just to change this password so I can look at things, gah. It's totally not worth it. I'll just make a phoney account on here so at least I'll be able to watch everyone I used to and still be inspired. It matters not to me that I won't be able to share my artwork with the DA community anymore. It's a small price to pay for my personal privacy/freedom. Plus, in the future, if/when I become successful at anything, hopefully I won't be having to promote myself anyway.
So. Goodbye to all the amazing people I've met here on DA, I'm sorry to have to leave you. Keep making beautiful art that inspires the world, because I know I will.
PS- I just took a huge chunk of this journal out. So, if anyone is a little more than lost about whats going on and why, I'm really sorry. I feel like I need to bite my tongue a little more than I have been about this whole situation, so that it doesn't get too out of hand for me on a personal level. Just know that I don't want to leave, and if I didn't feel like I had to, I most definitely would not.
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I'm sick of just about everything and everyone right now.
My art is not at the level it needs to be at in order for me to be able to be successful with it, so even though it's the only outlet I have, the one thing that makes me happy anymore, the whole while I'm trying to create something, I'm hating every second of it because it's not what I pictured in my head and it's not as good as I wanted it to be.
My painting makes me sick, because seriously, I feel like a two year old could do what I manage to do. But, I want to paint. I want to paint, more than I want to eat, sleep, love or breathe.
I can't even really stand to be around people anymore, because someone can just look at me the wrong way and I'll want to rip their faces off. I'm avoiding everyone like the plague because I have no desire for human interaction at this point. The thing is, I'm not at the core, a mean person. I just get stuck in this... black tar sometimes, and it's very hard to pull myself out of it. Or, maybe I really am just a rotten person inside and that's why I can't stop feeling this. Who knows.
I'm seriously beginning to effing hate graphic design. I'm at the point right now where I don't even consider it worth my while to be in school anymore. I also don't consider myself a graphic designer anymore. It's just NOTHING like I thought it was going to be. I've moved on to wanting to pursue my Illustration talents for a living. Maybe it's just that it's almost time for me to graduate, and I've got like the college version of senioritis, but I can't stand going to school anymore. Every second I spend there feels like an eternity, and all the while, I'm crawling in my skin just waiting to get out. It's only four hours a night. I can't stand it. I would love nothing more than to just drop out right now. Yes, I would regret it, but damn, would it feel good. I think the main reason is that I just really get fed up with the teachers and the way certain ones teach, how they don't care, how spacey and disorganized they are and how it feels like I could get more accomplished sitting in front of a canvas at my house trying to figure out how to better myself as a painter/artist/illustrator/whatever, than wasting my time trying to basically teach myself things there. At least I'd get more out of trying to teach myself how to paint&allthatjazz. Hell. I DO get more out of trying to teach myself how to paint. Ugh. I never really thought that whole saying "Those who can't do, teach" was true until I started going to this school. I have ONE teacher who has actually gone out of the way to somewhat mentor me and take me under their wing in a way,(keep in mind this is one teacher after two years), and they manage to motivate me a tiny bit, but it's still not enough to make me even want to begin to think about caring. All I can hope to do right now is go through the motions and finish just so I can get out and have at least some kind of degree in something so I can get a job and start to support myself and my art. Ugh. High school all over again, just without the horrible mobs of jerks to wade through.
I just feel so out of place, like I don't know where I fit. I can't place myself anymore, anywhere. I spend most of my time having this fish out of water experience inside my mind. And everyone asks me whats wrong and I never have an answer. I just don't fit, anywhere.
Angst angst angst whine crybaby blah blah blah. Whatever.
And, scene.
My art is not at the level it needs to be at in order for me to be able to be successful with it, so even though it's the only outlet I have, the one thing that makes me happy anymore, the whole while I'm trying to create something, I'm hating every second of it because it's not what I pictured in my head and it's not as good as I wanted it to be.
My painting makes me sick, because seriously, I feel like a two year old could do what I manage to do. But, I want to paint. I want to paint, more than I want to eat, sleep, love or breathe.
I can't even really stand to be around people anymore, because someone can just look at me the wrong way and I'll want to rip their faces off. I'm avoiding everyone like the plague because I have no desire for human interaction at this point. The thing is, I'm not at the core, a mean person. I just get stuck in this... black tar sometimes, and it's very hard to pull myself out of it. Or, maybe I really am just a rotten person inside and that's why I can't stop feeling this. Who knows.
I'm seriously beginning to effing hate graphic design. I'm at the point right now where I don't even consider it worth my while to be in school anymore. I also don't consider myself a graphic designer anymore. It's just NOTHING like I thought it was going to be. I've moved on to wanting to pursue my Illustration talents for a living. Maybe it's just that it's almost time for me to graduate, and I've got like the college version of senioritis, but I can't stand going to school anymore. Every second I spend there feels like an eternity, and all the while, I'm crawling in my skin just waiting to get out. It's only four hours a night. I can't stand it. I would love nothing more than to just drop out right now. Yes, I would regret it, but damn, would it feel good. I think the main reason is that I just really get fed up with the teachers and the way certain ones teach, how they don't care, how spacey and disorganized they are and how it feels like I could get more accomplished sitting in front of a canvas at my house trying to figure out how to better myself as a painter/artist/illustrator/whatever, than wasting my time trying to basically teach myself things there. At least I'd get more out of trying to teach myself how to paint&allthatjazz. Hell. I DO get more out of trying to teach myself how to paint. Ugh. I never really thought that whole saying "Those who can't do, teach" was true until I started going to this school. I have ONE teacher who has actually gone out of the way to somewhat mentor me and take me under their wing in a way,(keep in mind this is one teacher after two years), and they manage to motivate me a tiny bit, but it's still not enough to make me even want to begin to think about caring. All I can hope to do right now is go through the motions and finish just so I can get out and have at least some kind of degree in something so I can get a job and start to support myself and my art. Ugh. High school all over again, just without the horrible mobs of jerks to wade through.
I just feel so out of place, like I don't know where I fit. I can't place myself anymore, anywhere. I spend most of my time having this fish out of water experience inside my mind. And everyone asks me whats wrong and I never have an answer. I just don't fit, anywhere.
Angst angst angst whine crybaby blah blah blah. Whatever.
And, scene.
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Nightmare In Pink.
2 min read
I've started my own blog.
Actually, I've had it for a bit...but I suppose I intend on keeping up with it more often now.
If anyone has any advice on being a good blogger, or about how to edit the look and feel of my blog, it would be very much appreciated. You would think going to a graphic design school and taking two dreamweaver classes would help me in that area, but no. Coding eludes me to this very day. I did make me a kick-ass, sweet looking site though. But, I'm good at making things look pretty. Not so much making them work. Hehe.
Here is the link: selenavonmonster.blogspot.com/
It's nothing much right now. Like I said, I've been a pretty sucky blogger since I've had the thing. I did, however, just finish writing a post that I feel very strongly about. So. That makes me happy. Hopefully the longer I have it the more I'll be able to learn about the this and that's of having a blog, keeping things organized and so on. So far the posts have nothing in common, really. It's just me, rambling, which seems to be something I'm quite good at. Not that I ever make any good sense, I'm just saying, I'm talented at being terribly long winded and chatty. Oh well, que sera sera, we'll see how it goes.
So, check it out if you wanna. If you don't that's okay too, I'll still think you're the bee's knees anyway.
Actually, I've had it for a bit...but I suppose I intend on keeping up with it more often now.
If anyone has any advice on being a good blogger, or about how to edit the look and feel of my blog, it would be very much appreciated. You would think going to a graphic design school and taking two dreamweaver classes would help me in that area, but no. Coding eludes me to this very day. I did make me a kick-ass, sweet looking site though. But, I'm good at making things look pretty. Not so much making them work. Hehe.
Here is the link: selenavonmonster.blogspot.com/
It's nothing much right now. Like I said, I've been a pretty sucky blogger since I've had the thing. I did, however, just finish writing a post that I feel very strongly about. So. That makes me happy. Hopefully the longer I have it the more I'll be able to learn about the this and that's of having a blog, keeping things organized and so on. So far the posts have nothing in common, really. It's just me, rambling, which seems to be something I'm quite good at. Not that I ever make any good sense, I'm just saying, I'm talented at being terribly long winded and chatty. Oh well, que sera sera, we'll see how it goes.
So, check it out if you wanna. If you don't that's okay too, I'll still think you're the bee's knees anyway.
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Amen, Iris.
2 min read
I've found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said "Journeys end in lovers meeting." What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said "love is blind". Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space! Yes, you are looking at one such individual. And I have willingly loved that man for over three miserable years! The absolute worst years of my life! The worst Christmas', the worst Birthday's, New Years Eve's brought in by tears and valium. These years that I have been in love have been the darkest days of my life. All because I've been cursed by being in love with a man who does not and will not love me back. Oh god, just the sight of him! Heart pounding! Throat thickening! Absolutely can't swallow! All the usual symptoms.
The Holiday
Although this is the only part of the movie I got to watch, the first 10 min... I fully intend to enjoy the whole thing eventually.
The HolidayAlthough this is the only part of the movie I got to watch, the first 10 min... I fully intend to enjoy the whole thing eventually.
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Take this pink ribbon off my eyes.
7 min read
001. Name: Selena
002. Nicknames: Belle, Sel, Lena
003. Single or taken: Single
004. Place of Birth: Louisville, KY
005. Zodiac Sign: Libra
006. Male or Female: I'm just a girl, take a good look at me, just your typical prototype.
007. Birth date: October 19, 1987
008. Elementary School: Pleasant Grove
009. iPoD: phooey.
010. Screen name aol/yahoo/hotmail: No no and no. I hate IMing people. UGH. If you can't call me on the phone or talk to me in person, don't bother at all. About the only communicating I do by computer is here on DA, and that's tolerable at best. Yeah. I have this love hate thing with the internet. Obviously right now I'm in hate mode. Boo.
011. How many buddy on your list: 1 buddy on my AIM list, which I never get on.
___Your Appearance___
012. Hair Color: Dyed a black-but-it-looks-blue color, naturally a brunette though.
013. Hair Long or Short: Long but longing to be short. Heh. I make myself giggle
014. Eye Color: Blue-green, sometimes blue-grey. Depends on what light you catch me in.
015. How do your nails look: Chipped off pink polish, and bitten to the quick. Damn nerves.
016. Height: 5'4
017. Do you have a crush on someone: John Cusack at the moment. Must love dogs and Serendipity have been playing on and off all week on various channels. Yummy.
018. Do you like yourself? Eeh, I have my moments.
019. Braces?: Not since freshman year of high school.
020. Think your awesome?: Pretty damn, if I do say so myself.
021. Piercings: Just one hole in each ear. Nothing too exciting. I want to get my tongue clipped so I can get it pierced though.
022. Tattoo: None yet, big plans though.
023. Righty or Lefty: Rightright.
___Your 'Firsts'___
024. First surgery: Tonsils out.
025. First piercing: Erm...I was...10ish? No, maybe younger. Probably younger.
026. First best friend: Carrie
027. First Award: Something for this junior writing competition, back when everyone thought I'd surely grow up and be an author. Uh, no.
028. First Sport You Joined: Gymnastics. I got kicked out because I talked too much. Heh. Jerks.
029. First pet: Tigger. I my annoying ball of fluffy cat.
030. First vacation: Gatlinburg, TN.
031. First Concert: Shinedown with some other bands that I can't really remember.
032. First love: Please. Just, please.
___Favorites___
033. Movie: Twilight. Anything with vampires, anything scary and bloody and wonderful like that.
034. TV Show: House. I'm in love with Dr. House. In fact, I think I'd become a hypochondriac, so I could see him all the time...that is, if he wasn't just a fictitious character...damnitt.
035. Colour(s): I surely couldn't live without all of them, but I am quite partial to every shade of blue.
036. Music: As long as its loud and rockin', I really don't care.
037. Song: I think every song was written just for me
so there.
038. Food: General Tso's Chicken, the spicier the better.
039. Drinks, Non alcoholic: Diet sunkist or grape soda. Alcoholic: I'm a whiskey girl through and through.
040. Body parts: Are you asking me if I collect them? Why, as a matter of fact, I do...but, oh, that's probably not what you were asking...
041. Sport To Play: Volleyball.
043. Brand Of Clothing?: Fatty doesn't like shopping. Fatty wears what fatty can manage to fit into, and fatty thinks it's lucky she isn't stuck wearing a tarp.
046. Animal(s): Penguins. Rats.
047. Books: Oh just don't even get me started, I could go on for days. Let's just say the Twilight series and leave it at that, otherwise we would be here for 487939 years.
048. Magazines: Fangoria, Rue Morgue, and of course all my tattoo mags.
___Currently___
049. Eating: Marshmallows and cheesy poofs. Fatty thinks there's a reason she's so big.
051. Mood: Motivated but procrastinating. Tonight I think I will do another zodiac photomanip, just to put off the room cleaning until tomorrow. Tomorrow I reeeally will clean my room...must have room for new desk. Must. It is imperative I have this desk in my room before the end of the week.
053. Listening to: CSI. Purrrrr.
055. Wanting To: hire a maid to do all this damn cleaning for me, so I can just go to bed and wake up to a clean room, and not have to jump and hop and trip and fall on my face 378459 times before I get to my door.
056. Watching: CSI
057. Wearing: About 6 covers. Mmmm. Comfy.
___Your Future___
058. Want Kids?: Funny you should ask. If I can have them, yes, more than anything. Just...hopefully I'm not infertile. I should know by the end of next month though...
059. Want to Get Married?: Of course, but only to an Irishman. I need that accent on a daily basis, I've decided.
060. Careers in Mind: Graphic designer, or something pertaining to that.
__Which is better with the Opposite Gender__
068. Lips or Eyes: Lips.
069. Hugs or Kisses: Hot wet kisses.
070. Shorter or Taller: Taller, I love looking up at someone and being able to throw my arms around their neck and having to stand on my tippy toes to do it.
071. Outgoing or serious: Can't I have both? Seriously, is that too much to ask?
072. Romantic or Spontaneous: S-P-O-N-T-A-N-E-O-U-S!!! I crave spontaneity like none other.
074. Sensitive or Loud: A tad of both. A TAD.
075. Hook-up or Relationship: Relationshit.
076. Sweet or Caring: Aren't they basically the same thing?
077. Trouble Maker or Hesitant one: Hesitant.
___Have you ever___
078. Kissed a Stranger: No.
079. Drank bubbles: Yes.
080. Lost glasses/contacts: Yes, and yes.
081. Ran Away From Home: Ha. Noo. I'm too much of a baby for all that.
082. Broken a bone: Nevah.
083. Got an X-ray: Yes.
084. Broken Someone's Heart: Ugh.
086. Turned Someone Down: Yes.
087. Cried When Someone Died: Yes, Pawpaw.
087. Cried at school: Not since high school.
___Do You Believe In___
089. God: Yes.
090. Miracles: Not really.
091. Love at First Sight?: Serendipity.
092. Ghosts: Yes.
093. Aliens: Meeh, sure. I mean, I would like to think that there were other people out there...or, other things. Who knows though.
095. Heaven: Yes.
096. Hell: Yes.
098. Kissing on the First Date: Just a peck on the cheek, and only that if the chemistry is there.
099. Angels: Yes.
___Answer Truthfully___
100. Is There someone You Want But You Know You Can't Have? Again, please. Just, please.
Well. I managed to procrastinate so well that now the stores are closed. Ugh. I guess I'll go desk hunting Wednesday night. Tomorrow, though...is totally devoted to cleaning. Totally. I swear. Really.
002. Nicknames: Belle, Sel, Lena
003. Single or taken: Single
004. Place of Birth: Louisville, KY
005. Zodiac Sign: Libra
006. Male or Female: I'm just a girl, take a good look at me, just your typical prototype.
007. Birth date: October 19, 1987
008. Elementary School: Pleasant Grove
009. iPoD: phooey.
010. Screen name aol/yahoo/hotmail: No no and no. I hate IMing people. UGH. If you can't call me on the phone or talk to me in person, don't bother at all. About the only communicating I do by computer is here on DA, and that's tolerable at best. Yeah. I have this love hate thing with the internet. Obviously right now I'm in hate mode. Boo.
011. How many buddy on your list: 1 buddy on my AIM list, which I never get on.
___Your Appearance___
012. Hair Color: Dyed a black-but-it-looks-blue color, naturally a brunette though.
013. Hair Long or Short: Long but longing to be short. Heh. I make myself giggle
014. Eye Color: Blue-green, sometimes blue-grey. Depends on what light you catch me in.
015. How do your nails look: Chipped off pink polish, and bitten to the quick. Damn nerves.
016. Height: 5'4
017. Do you have a crush on someone: John Cusack at the moment. Must love dogs and Serendipity have been playing on and off all week on various channels. Yummy.
018. Do you like yourself? Eeh, I have my moments.
019. Braces?: Not since freshman year of high school.
020. Think your awesome?: Pretty damn, if I do say so myself.
021. Piercings: Just one hole in each ear. Nothing too exciting. I want to get my tongue clipped so I can get it pierced though.
022. Tattoo: None yet, big plans though.
023. Righty or Lefty: Rightright.
___Your 'Firsts'___
024. First surgery: Tonsils out.
025. First piercing: Erm...I was...10ish? No, maybe younger. Probably younger.
026. First best friend: Carrie
027. First Award: Something for this junior writing competition, back when everyone thought I'd surely grow up and be an author. Uh, no.
028. First Sport You Joined: Gymnastics. I got kicked out because I talked too much. Heh. Jerks.
029. First pet: Tigger. I
my annoying ball of fluffy cat.030. First vacation: Gatlinburg, TN.
031. First Concert: Shinedown with some other bands that I can't really remember.
032. First love: Please. Just, please.
___Favorites___
033. Movie: Twilight. Anything with vampires, anything scary and bloody and wonderful like that.
034. TV Show: House. I'm in love with Dr. House. In fact, I think I'd become a hypochondriac, so I could see him all the time...that is, if he wasn't just a fictitious character...damnitt.
035. Colour(s): I surely couldn't live without all of them, but I am quite partial to every shade of blue.
036. Music: As long as its loud and rockin', I really don't care.
037. Song: I think every song was written just for me
so there.038. Food: General Tso's Chicken, the spicier the better.
039. Drinks, Non alcoholic: Diet sunkist or grape soda. Alcoholic: I'm a whiskey girl through and through.
040. Body parts: Are you asking me if I collect them? Why, as a matter of fact, I do...but, oh, that's probably not what you were asking...
041. Sport To Play: Volleyball.
043. Brand Of Clothing?: Fatty doesn't like shopping. Fatty wears what fatty can manage to fit into, and fatty thinks it's lucky she isn't stuck wearing a tarp.
046. Animal(s): Penguins. Rats.
047. Books: Oh just don't even get me started, I could go on for days. Let's just say the Twilight series and leave it at that, otherwise we would be here for 487939 years.
048. Magazines: Fangoria, Rue Morgue, and of course all my tattoo mags.
___Currently___
049. Eating: Marshmallows and cheesy poofs. Fatty thinks there's a reason she's so big.
051. Mood: Motivated but procrastinating. Tonight I think I will do another zodiac photomanip, just to put off the room cleaning until tomorrow. Tomorrow I reeeally will clean my room...must have room for new desk. Must. It is imperative I have this desk in my room before the end of the week.
053. Listening to: CSI. Purrrrr.
055. Wanting To: hire a maid to do all this damn cleaning for me, so I can just go to bed and wake up to a clean room, and not have to jump and hop and trip and fall on my face 378459 times before I get to my door.
056. Watching: CSI
057. Wearing: About 6 covers. Mmmm. Comfy.
___Your Future___
058. Want Kids?: Funny you should ask. If I can have them, yes, more than anything. Just...hopefully I'm not infertile. I should know by the end of next month though...
059. Want to Get Married?: Of course, but only to an Irishman. I need that accent on a daily basis, I've decided.
060. Careers in Mind: Graphic designer, or something pertaining to that.
__Which is better with the Opposite Gender__
068. Lips or Eyes: Lips.
069. Hugs or Kisses: Hot wet kisses.
070. Shorter or Taller: Taller, I love looking up at someone and being able to throw my arms around their neck and having to stand on my tippy toes to do it.
071. Outgoing or serious: Can't I have both? Seriously, is that too much to ask?
072. Romantic or Spontaneous: S-P-O-N-T-A-N-E-O-U-S!!! I crave spontaneity like none other.
074. Sensitive or Loud: A tad of both. A TAD.
075. Hook-up or Relationship: Relationshit.
076. Sweet or Caring: Aren't they basically the same thing?
077. Trouble Maker or Hesitant one: Hesitant.
___Have you ever___
078. Kissed a Stranger: No.
079. Drank bubbles: Yes.
080. Lost glasses/contacts: Yes, and yes.
081. Ran Away From Home: Ha. Noo. I'm too much of a baby for all that.
082. Broken a bone: Nevah.
083. Got an X-ray: Yes.
084. Broken Someone's Heart: Ugh.
086. Turned Someone Down: Yes.
087. Cried When Someone Died: Yes, Pawpaw.
087. Cried at school: Not since high school.
___Do You Believe In___
089. God: Yes.
090. Miracles: Not really.
091. Love at First Sight?: Serendipity.
092. Ghosts: Yes.
093. Aliens: Meeh, sure. I mean, I would like to think that there were other people out there...or, other things. Who knows though.
095. Heaven: Yes.
096. Hell: Yes.
098. Kissing on the First Date: Just a peck on the cheek, and only that if the chemistry is there.
099. Angels: Yes.
___Answer Truthfully___
100. Is There someone You Want But You Know You Can't Have? Again, please. Just, please.
Well. I managed to procrastinate so well that now the stores are closed. Ugh. I guess I'll go desk hunting Wednesday night. Tomorrow, though...is totally devoted to cleaning. Totally. I swear. Really.
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